07th Apr2009

choo want good MOVIE!?

by jerad.formby


So they showed the new movie to a lot of unsuspecting Star Trek fans in Austin last night. They say it’s unbelievable.

This is it brothers and sisters. Our new movie is one month away. We are this close to watching our precious Star Trek blow up the skirts on everyone. New fans are gonna climb outta the woodwork. Some posers will claim that they liked it the whole time. Well, let ’em.


I know why the new movie is gonna be cool. I know that movie rocked Austin, just as it will very soon… the world.

The new movie will succeed where our next gen offerings failed, but strangely, it turns out that we can’t have a new movie without all of our bad ones. You have to agree with me on this and if you don’t already, you will.


My favorite of the Next Gen movies is Generations.

Without a doubt. No holds barred. Heck yeah. What’s terrible about that movie is found only in its direction. Do we really need so much slow motion? Really? Data pushes Crusher off the plank and ooooh wow! Look how slow motion milks laughter from the audience! I was there at the premiere and the slow motion worked. It doesn’t work at all on my DVD player. It gets trite and annoying. I can’t hate on David Carson too much cause he at least got with Captain Janeway for a little while. Wait, that was Kolbe. Never mind, Carson… c’mon really? Slow mo at every frickin turn?

The story for the movie, though, is pretty frickin’ solid.

Generations brought us the idea of Picard struggling with mortality –his revelation that there would never be another Picard. The death of his nephew. His focus is off in the movie. He is more concerned with grieving than professionalism… and he takes advantage of his relationships on the Bridge (a bold and very cool idea). These issues are slammed by a madman’s quest. A frickin’ madman!

Captain Picard versus a madman. Awesome idea. Heck yeah! And Kirk’s in the movie too!?

Who better to school Picard on how to fight a madman than James T. Kirk?

How many madmen did Picard face in his day? Very nearly zero.

So when fighting a madman, what do you need?

James fricken T. Kirk! He fought a madman every other week!

Kirk comes out of the Nexus and says to Picard, in so many words, “hey! Stop talking, just beat that backside!!”

And Picard does just that. Sounds like a movie to me! Picard walks away from Generations with a new outlook. He has a new power. He leaves the movie with a promise that is never fully realized in his sequels.

Generations opened in the fall. I remember. I was looking forward to its premier for a good long while. In fact, I had attended a convention with Patrick Stewert that year (supposedly his last) and the hype had made it so much stronger. I couldn’t wait to see the Next Gen family up on the big screen. When it happened? Wow. I was floored. The mad man involved not only manipulated factors to ensure the destruction of the Enterprise, he also killed Kirk. Holy cow.

I prefer the version in your special features, by the way. I’m talking to the people who demanded a re-shoot on that ending. Are you nuts? Kirk is shot in the back and Picard shows up to see what’s happened… and he kills Soren in what might/could/dammit-don’t-ask-questions-cold-blood. Wow, Jean-Luc. What an introduction to Kirk-style Cowboy Diplomacy. What a great idea! But the fans (which sometimes I feel are more in the way then they should be –me included) preferred that Kirk not be executed in the way the film presented, so a re-shoot was done and now we’re all treated with this “superior” Kirk death: old man dies chasing a remote control.


First Contact happens next. We come to find out that Picard is not over the Borg. We also find out the Borg isn’t the Borg we know and love. We watch the scenes unfold and see that Picard’s crying in the awesome episode “Family” doesn’t matter. He’s pissed. He’s pissed in a contrived and unusual way –I guess so he can feel more what? Hardcore? Boo! First Contact should have been about mathematics and not emotion, you know what I mean?

Let me take a moment to pitch what could have been different: the frickin’ DEFIANT shows up with no DS9 personnel on it (for reasons that scream “CONTRACT!”). What if? What if!? Sisko was in command of the Defiant and Sisko was transferred to the Enterprise? What if Sisko was on hand for this “freakish/contrived/awful” Borg incursion? We would then have TWO captains that were burned by the Borg and the two of them would rock that as professionals. What a novel idea!!!


But that didn’t happen. We have First Contact as it is and a lot –lot of people like it. I just grin and walk away from that sort of madness. When I think of First Contact, I just think of Brent Spiner trying to get Data killed off.


In case you didn’t know, Spiner tried to kill Data multiple times. To my knowledge, the first attempt was in First Contact. The idea was that when Data got human skin grafted onto him it would be fully integrated and done. Data would look totally human. And then in an effort to kill the Queen, he would execute the PLAN and rupture the what’s it in engineering. Once the gas fell away, Data would have died in a moment of sacrifice. Pretty good idea.

Insurrection simply feels like a bloated episode. I have a theory as to why that is… the problem is very small. The moral delimna is huge, don’t get me wrong, but we’re locked into a movie where one of the big pay-offs is coming to realize that the B’aku and the S’ona are the same people!? Wha wha whaaa!?


Why did we have to waste valuable screen time on meeting these new races? I mean “race.” The introduction of new aliens is not the way to go with a Trek movie. That’s the sort of thing that should be reserved for television. Movies should be rewards for all the television we’ve watched. There should be lots of familiar stuff paying off in extraordinary ways. Throw the Ferengi into Insurrection –seems the Fountain of Youth would be an amazing economic property. Or use the Romulans. Heck, even go back to the Klingons if you have to.

F. Murray Abraham as a Klingon would have been pretty awesome, you gotta admit.

Let’s take that time spent discussing the B’aku and throw it to Geordi. Give my man something to do! It’s the crisis of meeting these new additions to the Star Trek family that makes Insurrection feel a lot smaller than it should be.

My feelings on Nemesis are extremely ill. I believe they’re best expressed in these non-verbal grunts:


I have a friend named Nero. He’s a HUGE STAR TREK fan, but he’s extremely busy. He does a lot of mining off world to serve his Empire. He’s so dang patriotic… almost annoyingly so if you know what I mean.

Anyway, he put off seeing Nemesis for seven years. He missed out on a lot of Star Trek stuff, so when he got back in town, the first thing he did was hit a Star Trek convention.










Everything I’ve heard about the new movie is that it’s gonna be rocking familiar territory. Earth. Vulcan. Austin. Random space. Oh and the ice planet, but I guarantee that those sequences won’t be about politics nor will we sit through revelations regarding species we’ve only just met.

We have exciting new Trek with exciting new Villain.

I’m sure that, like me, you’re on his side.



  • zancho

    It’s me bitches!!! 🙂
    you’re right about the slow mo over use. pretty lame when one dosen’t know when or how to use it. but instead simply relies upon it…
    the picard vs madman angle is definatly a cool twist but what really sells the whole dynamic for me is knowing that picard himself is a little off the whole time due to the obvious issues. picard is mad as well! mad for picard anyway, which isn’t really saying much, witness the afore mentioned tommy gun seen and laugh at ol’ pat tryin’ ta bring it. leave the rough stuff to riker and worf…and yar!!lol
    kirks death WAS lame. nuff said on that.
    I really enjoyed the opening scenes of first contact. within the films, have we ever seen trek space combat to match that coolness? against such an implacable enemy? and picard knowing just where and how to blow the cocky borg to smitherines? loved it! and then they take all that coolness away with the rest of the film…i don’t know if “mathmatical” would be the right word to use when describing how the film SHOULD have been played but i agree with the idea. i think they tried to do that by making picard’s pain obvious but having him do “what must be done” anyway but alas it doesn’t play well.
    and who was that lame sidekick he had throughout the film?! ramdom character number 43? whatever! should have been one of the crew helping to real picard in! Geordi could have had something to do at last!! instead of riding bitch in that janky ol’ rocket with his lame hero….
    insurection: 100% with you on the waste of time it was to introduce us to another race. the film suffered for it in general but it’s redeaming quality for me was the romantic dynamic between picard and aging baku hotti number one.
    it seemed that for the first time(that i’ve seen) picard met his feminine match. he was all like “oh my god, this woman could totally rock my business and i like it!” i was also able to buy the use of slow motion here when ol’ girl was using her magic time shift powers(whatever that was??!) more of a digital effect really, but utilized far more effectively. different team of course i know….i also enjoyed the riker and troy story but beyond that i tend to dislike riker quite a bit and troy just a little less.
    and who gave crusher a gun?! she’s too old to be jumpin around trying to shoot! tryin’ ta play with the kiddies. lame! just fix em’ up and send em back out chica.
    nemesis i enjoyed simply for it’s “i am a star trek film masqurading as a halo game” mentality. seriosly. i’ll go off on that at some point i’m sure.
    oh and data getting his sacrifice myself for everone death. i shed a tear when that ship exploded. both for data and the fact that the last next gen film was, like the other three, by and large utter crap.

  • Sas

    That’s right…I visited and read your site. And…it was a good read. Although I don’t know much of what you are talking about…Presented well, too! Makes me wish I knew what it was all about..It would probably take me a life time though, haha :o) ….I’m proud of you for doing this site.

  • Rob

    What is with the muttun chops?

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