30th Dec2010

Hey Star Trek! itchoo NEW YEAR RESOLUTION SOLUTION!?

by jerad.formby

Yes, friends and neighbors, it’s that time of year when all of us take down the Christmas Tree and bite our nails with anticipation for 2011. It’s that time when we reflect upon the past and what’s happened to us. It’s also that time when we reflect on 2010 and what it brought us.

Stargate Universe has been cancelled. Caprica has been cancelled. Two spin-offs were murdered by fan resistance and criticism. Let us be the first to congratulate you all! We hope that in return for our accolades, you will indulge us in reading our own New Year’s resolution.

Our New Years resolution is a promise that we’ll do everything in our power to assist fans in killing their own franchises. Yes, it’s true in the past, that we’ve often cited producers like Ronald D. Moore with being brave with their properties by creating daring, unpredictable products.

Rest assured, brothers and sisters, that should a spin-off show present itself as an orange to an original show’s apple, we will do our best to lampoon the effort and assist you in your quest to treat the vision of these horrible producers as Juicy Fruit treated McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

You might remember we fought for Caprica and now we’ve seen it derailed. We’ve seen the rug pulled on the show so aggressively that Syfy didn’t even bother to air the rest of the episodes that everyone worked so hard to produce. So we’re here saying in 2011, you fans are right! We were misguided and, as Hey Star Trek! lives only to serve, we’re saying that we will champion your efforts to destroy strange new spin-offs that dare something exciting and new with their approach.

We agree with you now that Caprica had it coming. We see now how dull the characters were and how the slow moving plot didn’t emulate the violence of BSG enough. Now that it’s cancelled, we stand with BSG fans who prefer adrenaline-packed violence to real science-fiction and heady ideas like “virtual reality” and “the creation of artificial intelligence.”

Science fiction ideas, like the ones in Stargate Universe, we’ll now see as appalling and evil. No more white dwarf stars. No more dream-states that imply more to the universe than what’s readily tangible for folks like Colonel O’Neill. And we agree with you, Colonel O’Neill is one funny mutha fucka.

The next time a goofy, family friendly franchise spins itself off into a more adult-oriented take, we’ll be the first to scream in pain and fan fires of hatred. We’ll run to message boards. We’ll tweet in protest. We’ll plead with these “hack” producers and call these shows what they are: money-grubbing efforts to “cash in” on our favorite things.

We’ll choose to ignore obvious efforts on the parts of producers to offer fan reach-arounds (like respecting the world of a given show). Should a show like Stargate Universe do an episode such as “Time” that calls back items established in the 90’s on Stargate: SG1, we’ll roll our eyes (like all of you did) and wish the show were just fancy free. We won’t see such efforts as respectful offerings and we vow to not find them interesting. We’ll call it like it is: not enough like the original.

Shows like Caprica and Stargate Universe are built on the backs of popular, terrific franchises and producers need to start respecting their fan bases. Just who do these producers think they are anyway? It’s not like they’re the creators of the things we liked so much to begin with. It’s not like their original efforts made us fans.

We trust our own vision of these worlds, not the jagoffs that made them up!

Why should we endeavor to trust them? Good TV shows are like microwave dinners. They’re formulaic and they either taste the same or they’re garbage. What is it these producers don’t understand? How can show creators like Ronald D. Moore, Micheal Taylor, and Brad Wright take a good, simple macoroni n cheese dish and put hot dogs in it!?

It’s our hard earned money spent on cable, DVD box-sets, convention appearances, and merchandising that makes them rich after all! We are shocked, angered, and sickened by these show creators’ needs to trash everything we’ve come to love and offer stupid offerings with no thought, nor respect, for what we (and you) all enjoy and want to continue to enjoy!

What’s so hard about that? We make ’em fat, arrogant, and full of themselves. We make them forget that it’s us fans who put food on their tables and pay for their rock n roll lifestyles. And where’s our thanks!? Caprica (cerebral, slow moving, and generally retarded)!? SGU (violent, grim, and generally a soap opera!?)

No thank you! Back to the drawing board, guys. We won’t be happy until you drum up something exactly along the lines of what came before. Okay. A few differences are fine. Just borrow Star Trek’s model: Spock is now Data, Data is now Odo, Odo is now Seven… seriously, kids, it’s not that hard. We just want it to be similar enough, okay?

Something like the new BSG spinoff: Battlestar Galactica: Blood on Chrome.

This show is the greatest apology producers ofBSG and Caprica could possibly offer. This show won’t be chuck full corporate politics, it will be filled to over-flowing with what you (and now we) love best in Battlestar Galactica: fighting and fighting and gritty words!

You read that right, gentle readers, the new show will happen in outer space and involve a 20-something Adama as he fights the first cylon war. That’s not weird “my daughter is the first cylon operating system mumbo jumbo” that’s dogfights! That’s guns in people’s faces, defying orders, military action, dangerous missions, will they win, hope they get together, that slimy bureaucrat, and all that other business we loved so much about Battlestar Galactica! Gods be praised!

We hope you fans will take our hands and embrace us because we finally got here and we’re sorry that we are so late. We promise to not let ourselves be blinded by producers ever again. We’ll not trust their “visions” nor open ourselves up to what interests our favorite writers in the here and now. We want them to be as relevant as they were a decade ago, just like you. We’re sorry that we ever thought such backward thoughts.

It’s all of you (and now us) that have the real power over our shows and we’ll insist on “more of the same” from here on out.

We think of it like frequenting our favorite ice cream stand and always, always, always getting vanilla with cinnamon mixed in. We don’t want any nuts and the idea of trying fruit mixed in sounds a lot like “no aliens on a Stargate show”. We seek that establishment because we know what we like (and will now harbor resentment for the dude behind the counter who suggests trying new things).

We hope that over the coming year, maybe with enough tweets and message board posts, we can shake the Stargate franchise back to it’s feet with a new effort that will respect it’s fans better. Maybe once Syfy sees the success of Blood on Chrome, they’ll realize that Stargate fans also need an apology show after SGU frankly pissed all over them with character dynamics, science fiction, and action that had never been seen before in the world of Stargate.

And we’ll be right there, marveling at how our favorite producers (lap dogs) are rehashing things we loved five plus years ago and we will cheer when they change barely anything. Just slap on some new props, better special effects, the same sort of story, and we’re golden. They can take their “interesting” new takes, world building, and stick them right in their collective ears. Because we are fans. Without us? No shows.

We can only hope that if Fringe gets cancelled after moving to Fridays, that it might warrant it’s own spin-off of similar stripes. Yes, 2011 will be an interesting year of more of the same and we’re right there with you (our pacifiers placed firmly between our lips).

The franchises of Stargate, Battlestar Galactica, and any other you’d care to name exist to rub our shoulders. They’ve become our favorite masseuses, they know our pressure points, and they should know better than to switch up their technique!

Please except our humble resolution, sci-fi fans from around the world. Having faith in things that are too different from what we know and love is a self-indulgent, dangerous game. We fear the brains here in the Hey Star Trek! offices have gotten just a little too defensive and perhaps a bit too self-important.

We take it all back and will be siding with you in the coming year.



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  • Dr. Wrench

    It’s a new Hey Star Trek! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

  • Pizza Girl

    Thank you, Jerad for writing the eulogy for my two shows this season, both of which were cancelled. I know you know that MY Star Trek is the new movie and similarly MY Stargate was SGU. I feel like I should wait until something lasts more than a season before bothering to watch and I hate that I feel that way because I know that that attitude, when popularly adopted, spells failure for every knew show. I just don’t want to become attached. I don’t want to never know if Eli ever gets a love interest. I don’t want to never know if Ned and Chuck ever touch again. It breaks my heart too much not to know. It makes me want to stick to books and movies which can (and generally must) contain a whole story.

  • Ryan

    Thanks again for Hey Star Trek Jerad. That said I am so pissed they have canceled SGU. I loved that show. Loved the first movie the other TV shows I never really watched much. They were okay but SGU I never missed. Caprica I never watched. I was hoping to watch it in reruns when I had the time because it looked very interesting. Now I don’t know if I should even waste my time since it seems the story will never be complete. I wish I could expect more from Syfy. BTW what is the status of V. Me and my son loved watching that show now it seems to be MIA.

  • http://trekcast.com Hey Star Trek!

    Ryan! V returns this Tuesday night. 🙂 This V-return service is brought to you by humble Hey Star Trek! as a courtesy. We in the Hey Star Trek! offices ask that you use V at your own risk. In testing, it was discovered that in some (thought not all) patients V caused Headache, Pain, Diarrhea, Dry Mouth, Dyspepsia, Abnormal Dreams, Dizziness, Nervousness, Neuralgia, Pruritus, Unpleasant Taste, and/or Urinary Tract Infection. You can read more about V and its side-effects here: http://www.trekcast.com/?p=4336 Thanks for reading, Ryan and happy New Year!

  • http://blog.liquidcross.com liquidcross

    Once you see the ending of Caprica, you’ll be happy it was canceled, too. All the nifty science fiction ideas in the world can’t make up for horribly bad storytelling and giving the finger to the source material.

  • free_sutekh

    If by “horribly bad [sic] storytelling” you mean tautly conceived thematic exploration and by “giving the finger to the source material” you mean improving on the original, I agree with liquidcross.

  • http://www.twitter.com/apizzagirl Pizza Girl

    I’m wondering if BSG can really be considered source material for Caprica. Aside from existing in the same world, I didn’t really find it to be derivative of BSG. This new one they’re making will absolutely be using BSG as “source material”.

  • http://blog.liquidcross.com liquidcross

    @free_sutekh Blatantly contradicting BSG (and even Blood and Chrome!) is hardly what I’d call an improvement.

  • free_sutekh

    You’re right, liquidcross; nitpicking continuity is way more important than original thinking. My bad.

  • http://blog.liquidcross.com liquidcross

    No need for sarcasm. And blatant contradictions are hardly “nitpicking.” For example, skinjobs were new in BSG. Caprica shows that they are not. Adama is also far too young in Caprica, which clashes with BSG and Blood and Chrome. (A kid in his mid-teens would not be piloting Vipers, which means he wouldn’t have served in the war…you get the idea.)

    And the ultimate resolution of God telling Zoe to create the avatar program, and then lead the Cylons to kill the humans? That’s not original thinking. That’s godawful storytelling.

  • free_sutekh

    Not only is it nitpicking, it’s not even useful nitpicking. The skinjobs were not “new” in BSG; humans just didn’t know about them yet. BSG actually makes that very clear, and nothing in Caprica suggests the contrary. As for Adama’s age, you’re right: Bill Adama will be 20 years old in Blood and Chrome, which, if consistent with his age at the end of the Caprica finale, contradicts the timeline established in the BSG Miniseries by a couple of years. Boo-frakkin’-hoo. “Math” is not the same thing as “storytelling”. As for the “Shape of Things to Come” nonsense at the end: dismissing the entire series because of a rushed and pointless (and probably network imposed) montage tacked onto the end of the finale because the show got cancelled? Yeah, it was crap. But it was, what, three minutes long? I’m over it. The rest of the series was outstanding; even if there are a few small details and some math that doesn’t match up with your precious BSG gospel, an obsessive, adolescent fixation with perfect continuity has nothing to do with good storytelling.

  • http://blog.liquidcross.com liquidcross

    I was going to try and continue our discussion like adults, but you seem more interested in adopting a high-and mighty attitude and stooping to personal attacks. I give up.

  • http://thebasicspodcast.com Zerico

    I’m right there with you with the SGU love. I thought it was a great show and liked it from the start. It struck me as kind of a Voyager meets DS9 (which I’m sure it did to a lot of people). All in all it made for an interesting and usually fun treatment of a scifi story.

    I was a little more wary of Caprica and while I felt it had some great moments, I didn’t love it as I have other sci-si shows.

    All in all, it is an injustice that poor quality shows like V (though the season 2 openner was better than a lot of the season 1 episodes, so maybe there is hope) are still on and in prime time slots, but we can’t keep good sci-fi like SGU on the air.

  • free_sutekh

    For future reference, liquidcross, if your going to take The High Road, making a big show of pointing out that you’re taking The High Road is the exact opposite of taking The High Road. Thanks for making my point for me. <3 U!